one more

I went to bed last night, not feeling overly sleepy. Usually I try to go to bed when I feel like I could fall asleep right away, because I don’t wake up so much.

I got comfy, set my phone and tracker to ‘sleep’ (I track the hours I spend in bed so I can tell the doctor) and made myself comfortable. I dreamt about war and horrible things and then I suddenly found myself back home, looking at the sky from my balcony (except, the balcony faced east, mine faces south). I saw a spaceship passing by, with lights and concluding it must be the ISS judging from the speed — the subject of ISS came up the day before, not such a leap. It had the same shape as an actual boat, with the pointy bit up front and the flat end. And it had lights. Suddenly I found myself in my bed again, looking at my closet — I suspect I opened my eyes briefly and my brain wanted to make sense of it all. I had also started counting because I realised it could not have been the ISS, unless it was crashing. I counted because I wanted to know how long before it crashed. I got to 15, and then all the lights flickered, my bed shook violently, I heard the sound of explosions and screaming. Lots of screaming, very close to me, in my ear. I felt terrified and couldn’t move. I just stared at my closet, hoping no-one would come out (happens mostly if I don’t close the door properly), wanting to cry but couldn’t and generally just wanting it all to go away.

It took maybe a minute, the screaming and explosions only lasted a second or two, the light went back to normal seconds after that, and most of the ‘episode’ I just lay there, staring at the closet and felling terrified. I feel relieved no-one came to ‘get me’, something I’ve hallucinated before. All of this seemed way more violent than any of my previous episodes. I don’t like it.

After I moved, cried a little and woken myself up some more I checked the time. 37 minutes since I had started my tracker.

Didn’t feel like it.

I took a nap in the afternoon and slept a total of 11 hours today.

tired of hearing it

I got ill years ago, and have heard plenty of strange things since then. Regarding my fatigue / tiredness I usually hear ‘Everyone gets tired!’ and how I ‘just have to push through!’. However, unfortunately, I can’t push through. I can push and keep going and push and push, but I never go through. Things only get worse. When I try too hard to ‘push through’ accidents happen. I’ll fall asleep while walking outside (literally, my head nods forward, my legs go limp, gravity does its thing). I’ll wake up instantly and sometimes I can catch myself, but usually I hurt my knees. I’ll set things on fire — no, not on purpose, purely by accident. My brain stops registering ‘threats’, I don’t seem to notice the harm in leaving a towel on the stove when I turn it on. Or a car heading towards me when I cross the street.

I can — partially — prevent this. No pushing. Ever. Limit stress. Strict sleeping schedule. Take naps. Eat well. Good sleep hygiene. No pushing — it needs repeating.

I don’t know how ‘tired’ feels for other people. What I see doesn’t match my experiences. People say they’re sooooo tired, and then go to a party for hours or see a movie in the theatre. They’ll drive cars, go to gymclass, go running/swimming/exercising/partying. They make dinner and do the dishes. They do a lot of stuff.

Sometimes I do stuff too. I can get a little hyper-active — or rather, a little wrapped up in pushing through because I want the fun damnit!

I don’t know if these people push through. I don’t know if they ever get to ‘through’. I think they do, most of the time. They seem to get to a point where they don’t feel ‘soooooo tired’ anymore. Most of the time.

I fall asleep during movies, and usually try to heat up food because my brain does not want to think about what to cook/eat. On a good day, I don’t burn myself. I wake up feeling I had many nights with only 2 or 3 hours of sleep and I cannot get more sleep, no matter how hard I try. I feel so exhausted, wanting to sleep more.

In reality I sleep 8 to 10 hours per day.

Less, and then the accidents start to happen again.