didn’t even know I felt sleepy

It sounds so silly, that I didn’t know I felt this sleepy, but in reality, I’ve felt like this for so long I didn’t know it could be different. I still don’t really feel like it could (and maybe it can’t). I say I feel tired, and not up to do stuff. But actually, I just need sleep. A lot of it.

This only became clear to me recently, how much sleep I really want. How much I really need it.

I get cranky / moody when I need to sleep (or when I need to eat). My inner four-year-old comes out and DOES NOT WANT TO NAP. I have some difficulty with forcing myself to take the nap anyway. One side of me acts like the oversleepy four-year-old and then the other has to act all adult, and I don’t want to adult all the time. (Please don’t make me adult…)

I get obsessive when I need to sleep — and also when I need to eat (happens a lot). I usually snack and then nap.

Sometimes I feel fine one minute — or some form of fine anyway — and then suddenly, rapidly, I can’t stand on my feet anymore. I start swaying like a drunk person, sometimes more, sometimes less. My eyelids falling shut, my eyes rolling backwards. In my experience, others don’t notice it that much.

Others don’t seem to notice how sleepy I feel, in general. Sometimes I resent them for it, but honestly, I’ve fought so hard to stay awake for so long, I didn’t even know I felt that sleepy. I didn’t know that the fight going on inside my mind meant I had pushed myself too hard and too far. I have started to learn though.

I used to think more coherently. And I used to express myself more coherently too. Writing things like this takes a lot of effort, and a lot more time than it used to.

I wish my days had more substance. More fun. I get up, I eat, I walk the dog, maybe some groceries, maybe some chores, and I eat, and nap, eat some more, walk the dog again, and on a good day, I take a shower. And that doesn’t happen every day.

I don’t have a job, and I barely get by, energy-wise. I don’t exaggerate (much), and I don’t claim I don’t do anything. But it doesn’t feel like doing much. It feels like barely making it through the day, every day. Finding it hard to enjoy things, and not because I feel depressed (I think I’d know it if I had depression on top of everything else), but simply because I feel so sleepy and so tired.

And everything becomes a fight to stay awake.

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