tired of hearing it

I got ill years ago, and have heard plenty of strange things since then. Regarding my fatigue / tiredness I usually hear ‘Everyone gets tired!’ and how I ‘just have to push through!’. However, unfortunately, I can’t push through. I can push and keep going and push and push, but I never go through. Things only get worse. When I try too hard to ‘push through’ accidents happen. I’ll fall asleep while walking outside (literally, my head nods forward, my legs go limp, gravity does its thing). I’ll wake up instantly and sometimes I can catch myself, but usually I hurt my knees. I’ll set things on fire — no, not on purpose, purely by accident. My brain stops registering ‘threats’, I don’t seem to notice the harm in leaving a towel on the stove when I turn it on. Or a car heading towards me when I cross the street.

I can — partially — prevent this. No pushing. Ever. Limit stress. Strict sleeping schedule. Take naps. Eat well. Good sleep hygiene. No pushing — it needs repeating.

I don’t know how ‘tired’ feels for other people. What I see doesn’t match my experiences. People say they’re sooooo tired, and then go to a party for hours or see a movie in the theatre. They’ll drive cars, go to gymclass, go running/swimming/exercising/partying. They make dinner and do the dishes. They do a lot of stuff.

Sometimes I do stuff too. I can get a little hyper-active — or rather, a little wrapped up in pushing through because I want the fun damnit!

I don’t know if these people push through. I don’t know if they ever get to ‘through’. I think they do, most of the time. They seem to get to a point where they don’t feel ‘soooooo tired’ anymore. Most of the time.

I fall asleep during movies, and usually try to heat up food because my brain does not want to think about what to cook/eat. On a good day, I don’t burn myself. I wake up feeling I had many nights with only 2 or 3 hours of sleep and I cannot get more sleep, no matter how hard I try. I feel so exhausted, wanting to sleep more.

In reality I sleep 8 to 10 hours per day.

Less, and then the accidents start to happen again.

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