one more

I went to bed last night, not feeling overly sleepy. Usually I try to go to bed when I feel like I could fall asleep right away, because I don’t wake up so much.

I got comfy, set my phone and tracker to ‘sleep’ (I track the hours I spend in bed so I can tell the doctor) and made myself comfortable. I dreamt about war and horrible things and then I suddenly found myself back home, looking at the sky from my balcony (except, the balcony faced east, mine faces south). I saw a spaceship passing by, with lights and concluding it must be the ISS judging from the speed — the subject of ISS came up the day before, not such a leap. It had the same shape as an actual boat, with the pointy bit up front and the flat end. And it had lights. Suddenly I found myself in my bed again, looking at my closet — I suspect I opened my eyes briefly and my brain wanted to make sense of it all. I had also started counting because I realised it could not have been the ISS, unless it was crashing. I counted because I wanted to know how long before it crashed. I got to 15, and then all the lights flickered, my bed shook violently, I heard the sound of explosions and screaming. Lots of screaming, very close to me, in my ear. I felt terrified and couldn’t move. I just stared at my closet, hoping no-one would come out (happens mostly if I don’t close the door properly), wanting to cry but couldn’t and generally just wanting it all to go away.

It took maybe a minute, the screaming and explosions only lasted a second or two, the light went back to normal seconds after that, and most of the ‘episode’ I just lay there, staring at the closet and felling terrified. I feel relieved no-one came to ‘get me’, something I’ve hallucinated before. All of this seemed way more violent than any of my previous episodes. I don’t like it.

After I moved, cried a little and woken myself up some more I checked the time. 37 minutes since I had started my tracker.

Didn’t feel like it.

I took a nap in the afternoon and slept a total of 11 hours today.

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